Comments for Making the Most of Marriage at http://www.islam21c.com , comment 1 to 16 out of 16 comments http://www.islam21c.com Sat, 04 Feb 2012 07:31:41 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.3 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3460 I think this article is very derogatory to women. if men I suppose to protect women why are they children? men and women are going to be held accountable for their actions.... why are we always making excuses for men if something is wrong it is wrong you can't just generalise all men as children, what about the woman's emotional needs Islam is about fair and justice not patriarchal driven rules. - kawthar Thu, 17 Nov 2011 22:32:48 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3249 Salaam alaikum Sister, the muslims are not supposed to copy the kufar. what is this about wedding speeches and henna parties (sounds just like a hen night which the christians and pagans do). As an ex-christian i recognise the whole 'embarrassing best man speech' - Muslims are supposed to follow the sunnah, and though i have not read the hadith on marriage and how the prophet (pbuh) was married and what the ladies did and the men did, i suspect they did not have hen nights and make embarrassing speeches. Maybe someone who explain the sunnah on this this. I met a muslim the other day with a wedding ring - it seems some of the muslims run to copy the kufar. - ali Mon, 10 Oct 2011 08:40:05 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3247 This article was wonderful. Please not that our sister does not simply state that men are like children...she simply draws the comparison to the fact that like children, men can be made happy or angry very quickly. This is complete truth! Much in the same we see our deeds in black and white for Allah...every choice we make has the ability to make our Creator happy or angry with us. We simply use this example to make decisions daily. Will this deed make my husband happy? Will this deed make my husband angry? Is here a better decision to be had? She makes it very clear that this in no way challenges his authority or intellect or to say that he is unfit to protect over his family--it merely means that a man who loves his wife and cherishes her as a gift from Allah is going to be very sensitive to her actions, and that being keenly aware of this influence in his life, we have the knowledge to do our best by him and by Allah. I appreciated every ounce of wisdom in your words sister, MashAllah! - Hadya Maylek Mon, 10 Oct 2011 08:00:19 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3230 i read the article making the most of marriage and i saw the comments one comment said i believe your comment that 'men are like children' was made in jest and was general of all men and this may not be the case. However, you did state that 'a sister armed with this understanding will handle a temperamental husband like a vulnerable child – not in terms of his authority and intellect,. Am i right in saying that you meant that men just need nurturing, affection, understanding but respect at the same time? The same can be said for women right? After all, some of us act like vulnerable children too and can be an absolute nightmare-maybe more so than men! well the thing most women dont get lol and probly wont is that most men will not and never bow down to his wife or treat her like a queen he simply feels and some says if she dont want me i dont care ill get another wife that wants me thus most women live with anger and think i have no choice coz i love him or some other reason.... strange really..........THIS ARTICLE IS PERFECT AND INDEED AUTHENTIC COZ ITS FROM A WISE AND EXPERIANCED PERSON ....and the rest who dont get it are simply not experianced and still living in a fantasy world but not to worry u will wake up oneday its a lifes must in better words its the cycle of life .....marriage itself is a test from Allah.... if marriage was heaven why would Allah make another heaven in the hearafter? men are exactly like children! selfish do bad then after a minute come back and act all nice asif nothing happened they dont like to share..... they complain later i gave u this and that....and when they see food they run like dogs ..... they think the world revolves around them..... actually somehow it does.... coz hawa was created for adam coz he felt lonely so actually women wer created for the purpose of mens satisfaction ..... just as the stars wer created for beauty for us to enjoy wen we look at it hence it has no other purpose ....same with women we are simple satisfaction machines so to say .... the prophet pbuh said a women who reads her five daily salaah fasts protects her chastity obeys husband can enter thru any door in jannah so thats basically it our purpose.... love was not mentioned or romance .... - haniya Fri, 07 Oct 2011 04:11:20 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3219 Regarding the comment by Hamid: Alhamdolillah I've been married for over 15 years to 'this man'. We know what makes each other tick and it works for us. You know nothing of his virtues and the beauty of the way he runs his home. Suffice it to say I pray he gets Jannah for the way he is towards me and the children, inshallah. - Rifka Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:06:35 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3218 Alhamdulillah, good to get some insights into true purpose of marriage for women in our times. And alhamdulillah that some brothers are commenting in support of women's rights. But this article steers away from what women should look forward to, and more on being realistic and pratical. Maybe men do not agree, but women are different to eachother, and while being young and sweet and naive like A'isha (radhialaahu anha) is a lovely idea, it was Khadija (ra) who gave the sturdy support to Rasulallah (Salaalaahu alaihi wa sallam) in the early days. She didn't achieve it by being his equal, but by being a gentle woman (zammilooni, zammilooni). There is no harm in a woman acting like a woman, there is no harm in moving away from 'equality' in the marriage and in husbands going to their wives for respite. The 'key point' is clearly that women can be kind to their husbands, not just because they are fallible humans, but because sometimes, it will be difficult to live with an unhappy amir. [paraphrasing]'Women are like slaves under your authority, so be kind to women'. If she sees his 'anger' more like a child's, then she can respond with mercy, instead of becoming defensive. This is not a tact that is taught to young girls before marriage because instead, we let our daughters grow up watching movies and reading stories about how passive men will constantly be towards their every whim and desire ( I cite the romcom genre in entertainment). It is good for girls to know that being a wife (and a woman) is not like being a spoiled daughter or equivalent sister, etc. It is a situation where she must obey an amir. This is a mutual benefit approach, instead of telling men they can't exhibit their hefty personalities when they are upset. Sometimes, we can lose control of ourselves and a man can appear angry. Women should be prepared to deal with empathy or at least a gentle kindness, and even shed tears, instead of being expected to act 'strong' at this time. Please brothers, if you are looking to marry, don't expect your wives to have the same perspectives or interests as yourselves. Expect to live with someone who Allah created with an interest in maintaining a family and investing all good things in their children, relatives or the muslims in general. When expecting a baby, this sometimes becomes magnified and is known as the 'nesting instinct'. The biggest tool for a girl thinking of marriage is to make sincere and constant du'a to Allah to help her be a good muslimah and seek protection from falling into the traps that many muslim couples are doing today. One of the results of having unrealistic expectations, dear brothers and sisters, is our current divorce rates. Maybe someone can provide an article for brothers who are looking to marry? - PQ Wed, 05 Oct 2011 10:39:30 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3217 Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu. BarakAllahu feeki Sister for this article-It reminded me of some of the intentions we should have before getting married. Perhaps alot of us forget these-which is why when some of us dont get flowers and chocolates every day, a large spending allowance, 3 cooked meals a day or any other thing we want in a marriage, we might be quick to accuse our spouses of being good for nothing or we scream for a divorce; or a second, third or fourth wife (in the case of some brothers-even though they arent financially, mentally or emotionally ready for this! :D) i believe your comment that 'men are like children' was made in jest and was general of all men and this may not be the case. However, you did state that 'a sister armed with this understanding will handle a temperamental husband like a vulnerable child – not in terms of his authority and intellect,. Am i right in saying that you meant that men just need nurturing, affection, understanding but respect at the same time? The same can be said for women right? After all, some of us act like vulnerable children too and can be an absolute nightmare-maybe more so than men! What i've learnt after a mere 4 years of marriage, is that its imperative to utter every speech and carry out every action for the sake of Allah. No doubt many of us have the desire to please our husbands (which is fine as in obeying our husbands (in good) we obey our Creator); but we should put all of our energy into doing good in our marriage purely for the sake of Allah. This is because our spouses are human beings, who are ungrateful and unappreciative and inconsiderate at times. They may not notice our efforts which may cause hurt and disappointment to the spouse on the receiving end. However, if we direct our efforts in our marriage for the sake of Allah, we will not be disappointed when we do not get the response we want from our spouse; rather we will be satisfied only with attaining Allah pleasure, earning reward and a possible easy and harmonious life with our partners inshaAllah. We must be prepared to sacrifice our partners too. They are a loan to us and its important for us to realise we don't own them and Allah could take them at anytime. On the other hand, our husbands may decide to take another wife- which maybe devastating for some. Therefore, if we strive to sacrifice our partners (for the sake of Allah) it will make it easier for us to deal with the possible co-wife, or the absent wife who often tends to the babies (and not her husband) or the absent husband who is often away at work or with the brothers. Lastly, I believe that another way of making the most of a marriage is to detach ourselves from this dunya and focus on things that will help us in the akirah. So rightly so, we should emulate the way the companions were with their spouses to achieve a beneficial marriage. Giving each other space is important too and we should leave alone getting critical of each other. Guarding the tongue is one of the utmost importance's in a marriage-excessive and idol talk could drive a spouse crazy and harsh words can never be taken back! May Allah grant us all successful marriages and grant us pious spouses, ameen. Forgive me if i've said anything to offend anyone. Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu. - Jabrayah Tue, 04 Oct 2011 23:31:33 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3215 Salaam. I have to agree with previous comments. Alhamdulillah a good article by the whole, but some 'personal insights' I feel are detrimental. If men are like children, then they need to grow up I'm afraid. The role of a wife is not to mother her husband. Whilst there is a need for both partners to understand and demonstrate compassion to each other, both are indeed adults and maturity in attitudes is paramount. Similarly, whilst a man likes his wife to be obedient, the wider issue is understanding and fulfilling due rights and responsibilities to each other. Some of the comments also demonstrate excessive pampering of our men-folk for which the solution is not necessarily feeding a man as soon as he walks through the door. Does this man not know the virtues of sabr? Is he only able to function once his base need has been satiated? Perhaps this man needs to take a look at himself rather than expecting food on the table as soon as he steps indoors...in some instances, todays men are nothing but teddy bears who rule the roost in their domain through excessive subjugation. A strong woman (both in faith and character) is essential in maintaining the balance in the household; men should realise this and give our sisters the space, trust and respect to demonstrate this. - Hamid Tue, 04 Oct 2011 21:17:01 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3214 Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah, I appreciate Sis for writing such a nice article and giving right approach for peaceful and successful marriage life. Yes sometime man behaves like a child just to get affection and care from other side as well as he is a serious protector and maintainer of his family with an advanced step of wisdom gifted to him by Allah for the need of such responsibilities to be fulfilled by a man. - Iqbal Tue, 04 Oct 2011 17:35:03 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3212 you stated the verses “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (their chastity, their husband’s property, etc)" and then say men are like children??? SO the protectors and maintainers of women have children like mentality how does that work exactly? - k Tue, 04 Oct 2011 15:51:03 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3211 You stated the verses: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (their chastity, their husband’s property, etc)" and then say men are like children...??? so the protectors and maintainers of women have children like mentality? Thats very enlightening - k Tue, 04 Oct 2011 15:48:00 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3210 Bismillah.. Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah Thank you for sharing this comsidered article with us. I am a man, and have indeed been privy to many couples relating their successes and unfortunayte failures; and I can say with confidence - that it has been a lack of understanding and appreciation of many women of exactly this point - highlighted in the paragraph- that has made many marriages quite difficult for both parties ( irrespective of which of the two are perceived as having 'started' it or have greater number of weaknesses). This point, along with the others already mentioned, is KEY, to a blessed marriage. A brief glance at the success of marriages of ealier generations can bring this to the fore and manifest this reality very easily. Allah knows best - AK Tue, 04 Oct 2011 12:24:17 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3208 Assalaamu alaikum!well,sounds a bit off beat to me.However i am still searching and not in the best position to judge men.may ALLAH give us successful marraiges,jazakillah khair, aisha. - aisha hassan Tue, 04 Oct 2011 09:32:33 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3207 Salam.. Jazakallahu khayran for the article sister. I agree with Imran above, the advice was let down by the comment: "men are like children". The statement was made even more insulting by emphasising the point as being the 'key thing' to know, and by not even saying 'some men' instead of the generalising term 'men'. And furthermore by describing his feelings as a 'vulnerable child'. These comments are inaccurate, unfair and unnecessary. Therefore I politely request to remove this part of the article because it feels like a glitch in an article worthy of benefitting many brothers and sisters alike. Forgive me if I misunderstood your words. Jazakallahu khayran. - Zi Tue, 04 Oct 2011 08:26:10 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3206 I agree with article in the main, however the highlighted paragraph sounds a little off key for me too. Men are not a homogenous group; the hugging him whilst he's mad thing might work for some, other husbands might think you've gone slightly insane. The key tip then is to figure out how to manage (in an entirely non manipulative way) your own particular husband. An extra tip which may or may not work with your husband, is to feed him as soon as he gets through the door and definitely before you talk about 'issues'. Never smile at a crocodile, never discuss with a hungry man. Two life lessons well worth learning. - Rifka Tue, 04 Oct 2011 08:15:40 +0100 http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/3477-making-the-most-of-marriage#comment-3204 I read the article twice and it really gave some good advice (mainly intended for wives). However, dear sister, the whole article was then let down by the key thing men are like children bit which could have easily have been left out to be fair. With that wording, I felt your article lost it's academic (and took a more feminist) tone and balance. How do you expect your women readers to respect (and obey) their husbands if they see them as temperamental children? Women can be equally as moody as men, and I'm just as often giving my wife a hug and kiss 'to assuade her discontent' (not that it always works!) I think you quite rightly pointed out that many sisters do live/have been brought up with a Western fairytale-like belief about marriage and didn't realise until later on (often following many arguments) that both sides have a responsibility to make a family. [u]Both genders should respect each other, and each has their strengths and weaknesses[/u]. May Allah grant us all successful marriages. - Imran Tue, 04 Oct 2011 01:15:29 +0100