Taqwa-centred approach to same-sex lust

Many struggle with the reality that if Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) allows us to experience sexual desires and lust, why cannot we explore them in a realm beyond marriage?

Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) says:

But let them who find not [the means for] marriage abstain [from sexual relations] until Allah enriches them from His bounty.” [1]

How do we practically abstain from lust? What practical advice can we derive from psychology and Islamic teaching? What might a practical approach look like for someone who might be struggling with unwanted lust to move to a God-centric way of life?

Admit that lust is an open threat

The famous 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, originally published in 1939 by a pair of alcoholics — New York stockbroker Bill Wilson; and a physician from Ohio, Dr. Bob Smith — have paved the way for much of how we view addiction and sobriety today. [2]

The first two steps asked the individual to admit that they had become powerless over alcohol, that their lives had become unmanageable, and that only a power greater than themselves could restore them to sanity.

Likewise, we must admit the attractive nature of lust, and that it is something where we turn our will to that of Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) to help us. If we do not recognise lust as a declared enemy, we have failed.

We cannot deny the fact that Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) has beautified desires for us:

Beautified for people is the love of that which they desire — of women and sons.” [3]

Prophet Yusuf’s beauty (ʿalayhi al-Salām) led the women around him to see him not as a man but an angel. However, his God-centricity protected him:

And when they saw him, they greatly admired him and cut their hands¹ and said, ‘Perfect is Allah!² This is not a man; this is none but a noble angel.’

She said, ‘That is the one about whom you blamed me. And I certainly sought to seduce him, but he firmly refused.'” [4]

This elemental first step is arguably the one that differentiates belief from disbelief — to admit our powerlessness over desires without the help of divine guidance. We must recognise that our soul inclines to evil, admit our wrongdoing, and not despair from Allah’s mercy. [5] [6] [7]

Those that realise “I can’t handle this on my own” reflect self-accountability. While Allah reminds us of the many who do not see the desire as a test, rather it has become their god:

Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire? Then would you be responsible for him?” [8]

Don’t go near places that trigger

After the initial step of realisation of the powerful nature of lust, the second step is to make behavioural changes.

In psychology, particularly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), early homework is trigger avoidance and removal of cues (filters, routines, environment changes) plus delaying/abstaining while new skills are learned. Behavioural contracts may set clear abstinence targets with monitoring and rewards before skills work.

In recovery groups, the process of “rebooting” sets a defined abstinence window (e.g. 30–90 days) from sexual behaviours to reset habits before graded re-engagement. [9] Similarly, popularised sexual therapy protocols like Sensate Focus, developed by Masters & Johnson, start with abstinence from genital touch at the start to lower pressure and reconditioning touch and awareness. [10]

These methods highlight that the power of abstention from desires helps us recalibrate ourselves.

Islam favours prevention over control

The famous verse says,

وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا۟ ٱلزِّنَىٰٓ

And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse.” [11]

This means: don’t even go near places that might trigger you, let alone avoiding the act itself.

In addition, the Arabic word taqwa (تَقْوَى) is derived from the triliteral root waqā (و-ق-ی) which means: to protect/guard/safeguard/shield. Allah reminds the believers to guard themselves against unlawful sex, as it transgresses and blurs lines in a relationship. [12]

We must realise that if we fail to take refuge in Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla), we will be swayed by our desires:

And if an evil suggestion comes to you from Satan, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is Hearing and Knowing.” [13]

How do we seek refuge in Allah?

Step or practice	What to say or reflect on	Qur’ānic reminder
Remembering Allah often, especially in moments of temptation	“O God, make my soul as pleasing to You as beautiful as this individual is to my eyes.”	“The men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so — for them, Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward.” [14]
Including Allah in daily affirmations, such as when looking in the mirror	“O Allah, just as You have made my external features beautiful, make my character beautiful as well.”	“We have certainly created man in the best of stature.” [15]
Understanding the difference between need and want by fasting with the eyes as we fast with the stomach	Reflect on self-restraint beyond what is strictly necessary for survival	“O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous.” [16]
Preserving obligatory acts like prayer to remain in a state of spiritual purity (tahāra)	Maintaining prayer as a guard-rail against moral decline	“Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do.” [17]
Keeping God-centric company and avoiding those who normalise sin	Choosing companionship that strengthens faith	“O you who have believed, fear Allah and be with those who are true.” [18]
Thinking about long-term consequences instead of chasing immediate desire	Prioritising the Hereafter over fleeting urges	“But you prefer the worldly life, while the Hereafter is better and more enduring.” [19]
Knowing the temporary state of life, where the uncomfortable emotions we try to escape through acting out will pass	Reflecting on death and accountability	“Say, ‘Indeed, the death from which you flee — it will meet you. Then you will be returned to the Knower of the unseen and the witnessed, and He will inform you about what you used to do.’” [20]

Not all that looks beautiful is God-centric

There is no doubt that Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) has perfected everything He created, which includes beauty in humans. [21]

However, beauty seen in a lens of gratitude to Allah as part of creation, is different from beauty that has been made appealing to the beholder, leading to envy. Envy burns up gratitude we have for God’s blessings and eroticised envy leads to sexual acts.

Reframing our envy allows us to focus on deeds which will remain, while beauty may fade. Those that are obsessed with appearance or beauty have bought into the adornment of the worldly life.

Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) reminds us that the life of this world has been adorned for those who do not have faith:

The life of this world has been made appealing to the disbelievers, and they mock the believers. Those who are mindful [of Allah] will rank above them on the Day of Judgment. And Allah provides for whoever He wills without limit.” [22]

And do not extend your eyes toward that by which We have given enjoyment to [some] categories of them, [its being but] the splendour of worldly life by which We test them. And the provision of your Lord is better and more enduring.” [23]

And He says,

And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His face [i.e. acceptance].

And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect.” [24]

Hijab is also for men

The guarding of the eyes is well established in Islamic literature, Allah encourages us to wait for His provision — which is better and more enduring — and clearly states the beauty of the world to be a test for the faithless.

Interestingly, a 2019 study showed that sexual cues in media reliably grab and hold eye attention better. A meta analysis of 32 previous experiments supported the common assumption that men were more affected by sexual cues than women. Men showed a higher attentional bias and interference from sexual cues compared to women (effect size gs = 0.29). [25]

And a 2016 study done on men with compulsive sexual behaviours revealed that the group, in response to repeated sexual images, showed a decrease in response in the dorsal cingulate (the region responsible for decision making and conflict monitoring). The group demonstrated an enhanced preference for novel sexual images compared to control images. This preference was not seen in the healthy volunteer group. The group with compulsive behaviours were primed to notice sexual content as their attention was easily captured by it, their minds were more likely to pursue cues like hearing a sound or seeing a symbol that they learned would lead to sexual content. [26]

We should remember that the verse for lowering the gaze in Surat Nūr addresses men first, and too often men forget about the male modesty and hijab:

Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is [fully] Aware of what they do.” [27]

Eyes → heart → body

There is an indisputable reality that what enters the eyes enters the heart.

The Qur’ān connects the eyes → heart → body. Emotional or sexual response often begins with gaze and thoughts: lowering the gaze protects the heart from lustful stares turning into sexual fantasising or flirtatious thoughts; guarding the private parts is about preventing the staring from leading to physical sexual behaviour.

Again, in regard to the eyes, Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla) mentions that Yusuf (ʿalayhi al-Salām) would have inclined to seduction, had he not seen the proof of his Lord. [28] Moreover, the organ that Jibrīl (ʿalayhi al-Salām) assaulted was the eyes of the people who had come to Prophet Lūt’s house to demand his guests (ʿalayhi al-Salām). [29]

In addition, the Islamic modest dress which covers our physical adornments is a protective guard for the believer.

Thin barrier between emotional and sexual desires

A sexual response itself is not “dirty”, but a blessing that Allah has given if used within the boundaries of a committed relationship, i.e. marriage. However, these boundaries are not often understood.

Morris (2018) interviewed 40 gay undergraduates in England, he found that men used the same social networks for friendship as well as sexual partners, making boundaries between “mate”, “hook-up”, and “boyfriend” fluid. [30]

Robinson (2022), in his study of family dynamics of young men with non-exclusive sexualities, found that cuddling, sharing beds, and high emotional disclosure was common, blurring the lines of being “just mates”. [31]

In studies around lesbian relationships, they are more often described as intense fusions of friendship and sexual love, much more than gay men, where Peplau & Amaro (1982) and Kaufman (1984) state that emotional and friendship dimensions are not separate from the sexual one, they are tightly interwoven. [32] [33]

Unmet attachment needs can become sexualised

We know in psychology that when unmet, legitimate and halal needs for belonging, wholeness, and identification in our sense of masculinity or femininity can cross from a brotherly and sisterly need to one that is sexualised. The brain learns that closeness, comfort, warmth, and validation are sexual feelings, so the need for nurture, affection, and touch become sexualised.

For men and women with father or mother hunger, or wounds from their same-sex peers that have internalised shame in their bodies, they are mesmerised and filled with admiration when looking at confident men and women. The identity hunger runs deep, where they imagine being closer to that person, and looking at their body becomes a charged response which is then followed by sexual fantasies.

If the legitimate need to feel accepted as a man or a woman was never realised in a healthy way, the brain is made to fuse sexual desire with the man or woman they longed to be. This is known as sexualisation of attachment needs or an eroticised longing of belonging.

Don’t let shame distance you from forgiveness, repentance, and getting help

Shame is a toxic emotion. It says “I am wrong”, rather than “I did wrong”. Many shame themselves for being evil or having a complicated heart.

According to clinical psychologist Nicolosi, same-sex attractions and behaviours are triggered by an event that leads a man to experience shame: something shames them, and that shame leads to the “grey zone”, a place of passivity, inhibition, avoidance, and hiding. [34]

The grey zone blocks the shame but creates a feeling of unrest that begs for relief. Relief is sought through sexual enactment, which may result in more shame and may trigger the sequence to begin again. Many may feel they are too far gone, beyond recovery. Or perhaps they think they’ve tried everything. Or perhaps they do not want to face their real emotions of hurt and pain all over again.

But they have forgotten the unfathomable mercy and forgiveness of Allah (subḥānahu wa ta’āla):

Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.'” [35]

True repentance has a magical quality that could even turn our past sins into something transformative and good, because we learn from our mistakes and believe that Allah can make our lives better.

Perfection isn’t the goal (nor does it exist), but a firm belief in goodness from Allah that is coupled through actions:

Except for those who repent, believe, and do righteous work. For them, Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” [36]

We sincerely seek help from Allah to bring us mentors and guides to help us so that we have sincerely repented, as we understand this is the work of a lifetime in learning how to guard our souls against lust:

O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance. Perhaps your Lord will remove from you your misdeeds and admit you into Gardens beneath which rivers flow.” [37]

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Source: Islam21c

Notes

[1] al-Qur’ān, 24:32-3

[2] UK Addiction Treatment Centres (UKAT) 2019, 80 Years of the 12 Steps – Facts and Myths about 12 Step Addiction Treatment Today, UK Addiction Treatment Centres, viewed 9 November 2025, https://www.ukat.co.uk/blog/rehab-services/80-years-12-step-therapy-facts-and-myths/

[3] al-Qur’ān, 3:14

[4] al-Qur’ān, 12:32

[5] al-Qur’ān, 12:53

[6] al-Qur’ān, 4:17

[7] al-Qur’ān, 39:53

[8] al-Qur’ān, 25:43

[9] NoFap n.d., Rebooting from Porn Addiction, NoFap, viewed 10 November 2025, https://nofap.com/rebooting/

[10] SMSNA n.d., What Is Sensate Focus and How Does It Work?, SMSNA, viewed 10 November 2025, https://www.smsna.org/patients/did-you-know/what-is-sensate-focus-and-how-does-it-work

[11] al-Qur’ān, 17:32

[12] al-Qur’ān, 23:5-7

[13] al-Qur’ān, 41:36

[14] al-Qur’ān, 33:35

[15] al-Qur’ān, 95:4

[16] al-Qur’ān, 2:183

[17] al-Qur’ān, 29:45

[18] al-Qur’ān, 9:119

[19] al-Qur’ān, 87:16-7

[20] al-Qur’ān, 62:8

[21] al-Qur’ān, 32:7

[22] al-Qur’ān, 2:212

[23] al-Qur’ān, 20:131

[24] al-Qur’ān, 18:28

[25] Strahler, J., Baranowski, A. M., Walter, B., Huebner, N., & Stark, R. (2019). Attentional bias toward and distractibility by sexual cues: A meta-analytic integration. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 105, 276–287. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2019.07.015

[26] Banca, P., Morris, L. S., Mitchell, S., Harrison, N. A., Potenza, M. N., & Voon, V. (2016). Novelty, conditioning and attentional bias to sexual rewards. Journal of psychiatric research, 72, 91–101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2015.10.017

[27] al-Qur’ān, 24:30

[28] al-Qur’ān, 12:24

[29] al-Qur’ān, 54:37

[30] Morris, M. (2018). “Gay capital” in gay student friendship networks: An intersectional analysis of class, masculinity, and decreased homophobia. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1183–1204. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517705737

[31] Robinson, S., Anderson, E., & White, A. (2017). The bromance: Undergraduate male friendships and the expansion of contemporary homosocial boundaries. Sex Roles, 78(1–2), 94–106. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-017-0768-5

[32] Peplau, L. A., & Amaro, H. (1982). Understanding lesbian relationships. In W. Paul, J. D. Weinrich, J. C. Gonsiorek, & M. E. Hotvedt (Eds.), Homosexuality: Social, psychological, and biological issues (pp. 233–247). Sage.

[33] Kaufman, P. A., Harrison, E. H., & Hyde, M. L. (1984). Distancing for intimacy in lesbian relationships. American Journal of Psychiatry, 141(4), 530–533. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.141.4.530

[34] Nicolosi, J. (2016). Shame and attachment loss: The practical work of reparative therapy (Rev. ed.). Liberal Mind Publishers.

[35] al-Qur’ān, 39:53

[36] al-Qur’ān, 25:70

[37] al-Qur’ān, 66:8