Advice to kin of one approaching their last breath

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Contents

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على رسوله وآله أجمعين

There will come a time when you are faced with a loved one, who may have an advanced illness and is deteriorating (and on the balance of probabilities), who is said to be on their “deathbed”.

As the news sets in, you will no doubt feel a flurry of emotions, including sadness, despondence, and apprehension. As their condition further deteriorates, you may find yourself in a delicate place between maintaining hope, while simultaneously beginning to let go.

Often, people find this “in-between place” painful and perhaps even feel that they are betraying their loved one if they lean at all towards letting go. Ask Allah to give you and your family patience in this difficult period. During this time, you must stay firm and focused on supporting your loved one.

In what follows, we will discuss what to expect and what to do as your loved one approaches their last moment in life, with the hope that knowing what to expect and what to do may help you cope with the difficulty of the circumstance. And far more importantly, reduce some of the anxieties of your loved one as they prepare to depart this worldly life.

Agonies of death

Pain leading up to the death of the Prophet ﷺ

The Mother of the Believers, ‘A’isha (radiy Allahu ‘anha), once said,

“One of the favours of Allah upon me is that Allah’s Messenger ﷺ died in my house on the day of my turn, while he was leaning against my chest and Allah made my saliva mix with his saliva at his death.

“Abdur-Rahman (my brother) called upon me with a Siwāk (toothbrush) in his hand and I was supporting [the back of] Allah’s Messenger ﷺ [against my chest].

“I noticed the Prophet ﷺ looking at it [i.e. the Siwāk] and I knew that he loved the Siwāk, so I said [to him], ‘Shall I take it for you?’ He nodded in agreement.

“So, I took it, and it was too stiff for him to use, so I said, ‘Shall I soften it for you?’ He (ﷺ) nodded his approval. So, I softened it and he cleaned his teeth with it.” [1]

She (radiy Allahu ‘anha) continued,

“In front of him (ﷺ), there was a jug or a tin, containing water. He started dipping his hand in the water and rubbing his face with it, and he said,

لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ، إِنَّ لِلْمَوْتِ سَكَرَاتٍ

‘None has the right to be worshipped except Allah. Death has its agonies.’

“He (ﷺ) then lifted his hands (towards the sky) and started saying:

فِي الرَّفِيقِ الأَعْلَى

‘…with the Highest Companions.’

“…until he died and his hand dropped down.” [1]

We send blessings upon the Prophet ﷺ by saying,

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ، وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ، كَمَا صَلَّيْتَ عَلَى آلِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، إِنَّكَ حَمِيدٌ مَجِيدٌ، اللَّهُمَّ بَارِكْ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ، وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ، كَمَا بَارَكْتَ عَلَى آلِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، إِنَّكَ حَمِيدٌ مَجِيدٌ

“O Allah, send prayers upon Muhammad and upon the family of Muhammad, as You sent prayers upon Ibrāhīm and upon the family of Ibrāhīm; You are indeed Worthy of Praise, Full of Glory.

“O Allah, send blessings upon Muhammad and upon the family of Muhammad as You sent blessings upon Ibrāhīm and upon the family of Ibrāhīm; You are indeed Worthy of Praise, Full of Glory.” [2]

Physiological changes

Everyone’s experiences are different, but it is likely that, as your loved one’s final breath approaches, you will observe physiological changes.

Some of the more common changes that a person experiences shortly before they die include:

changes to skin colour;
shallow or irregular breathing;
pain due to pressure on internal organs;
decreased/intermittent consciousness;
damage to nerves or lack of blood supply;
colder hands, feet, and limbs as blood circulation slows;
and louder breathing due to mucus build-up in the throat (if they are not able to cough).

The breathlessness and pain, along with the subsequent anxiety form a part of the agonies of death, which is from the last hardships that a person encounters in this worldly life, and may be one of the last means by which Allah expiates the sins of His slave in this world.

Imam Ibn Hajar al-‘Asqalānī says regarding a person facing the agonies of death,

“It has nothing to do with whether he was pious or an evildoer. Rather, if he was one of the pious, it will increase him in reward. Otherwise, it will be an expiation for him.” [3]

He goes on to say that Caliph ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-Azīz said,

“I wouldn’t like the agonies of death to be reduced for me, for that is the last thing by means of which sins may be expiated for the believer.” [3]

Here, the take-away point for us is that these agonies are part and parcel of death.

For those experiencing it, know that it is from the Mercy of Allah by which your loved one’s rank will be raised, either through an increase in reward or an expiation of sins.

Having hope in Allah

‘A’isha (radiy Allahu ‘anha) narrates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,

“Whoever loves to meet Allah, Allah loves to meet him. And whoever hates to meet Allah, Allah hates to meet him.” [4]

It was asked,

“O Prophet of Allah, do you mean hating death, for all of us hate death?” [4]

He (ﷺ) said,

“It is not like that; but when the believer is given the glad tidings of the mercy and pleasure of Allah, and His Paradise, he loves to meet Allah. And when the kāfir is given the tidings of the wrath and punishment of Allah, he hates to meet Allah and Allah hates to meet him.” [4]

Maintain good thoughts

During these final moments, you must remind your loved one to have good thoughts of Allah and His Mercy.

Indeed, Allah the Almighty says,

“I am as My servant thinks I am…” [5]

Remind them that Allah is al-Rahmān (The Most Merciful); that He is al-Ghafūr (The One Who Forgives); that He is al-‘Afuw (The One Who Pardons); that His Mercy overspreads everything.

Point out to them,

“Whoever says: ‘There is no-one worthy of worship except Allah’ enters Paradise.” [6]

Bring to mind their good actions

Remind them of all the good they have done in this life: their prayers, their fasting, their charity, their performance of acts which He loves, and their abstinence from that which He abhors.

This will instil tranquillity in your loved one and to have good thoughts of Allah.

Jābir ibn ‘Abdullah (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) narrated that he heard the Prophet ﷺ three days before his death saying:

“None of you should approach death without hoping good from Allah.” [7]

In another hadīth, Anas ibn Mālik (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) said that the Prophet ﷺ visited a young man who was dying. He asked him how he was.

The young man answered,

“I have hope in Allah, but I am afraid because of my sins.” [8]

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ replied,

“These two feelings [fear and hope] do not coexist in a person’s heart in this situation, but Allah will give him what he hopes for and keep him safe from what he fears.” [8]

Supplicating for the dying person

As you remind your loved one of the Mercy of Allah, you should also supplicate for them, in their presence or otherwise.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,

“When you visit a sick or a dying person, you should utter good words because the angels say ‘Āmīn’ upon what you say.” [9]

Imam al-Nawawī said about uttering good words,

“At that point, one is advocated to say good things from supplicating and seeking forgiveness for him, requesting kindness and ease for him, and the like.” [10]

Equally, we must avoid saying things that would upset them or increase their anxiety and difficulty.

The Prophet ﷺ said,

“Make things easy for people, and don’t make it hard for them. And give them glad tidings and don’t make them run away [from Islam].” [11]

Moistening their lips and throat

As your loved one nears the end of life, their desire to eat or drink will usually decrease.

This is a natural response, as their bodily functions slow down. It becomes difficult to manage the intake of food and/or fluids.

It can lead to a dry mouth and a feeling of having no saliva — which can be very uncomfortable and prevent them from uttering the Shahadah. If your loved one is too unwell to keep their mouth moist, it is recommended to moisten it.

Using swabs (over-sized cotton buds) dipped in water, or whatever fluid they like, you can moisten their mouth and lips every so often.

Likewise, on the basis of the hadīth of ‘A’isha (radiy Allahu ‘anha) mentioned earlier, you can also use swabs/cloth to wipe over their faces.

Encouraging them to say the Shahadah

The reality of the ending of a matter in Islam is more important and significant than the reality of its beginning.

Regarding this, the Prophet ﷺ said,

“A slave may do the deeds of the people of the Fire while in fact he is one of the people of Paradise, and he may do the deeds of the people of Paradise while in fact he belongs to the people of Fire. And verily, [the rewards of] the deeds are decided by the last actions [deeds].” [12]

“Sweetening” a person before death

One should not misunderstand the above hadīth to mean that Allah will turn away His slaves who were genuinely devoted to His worship.

Rather, the hadīth applies to the one who did not do deeds with sincerity and faith. And we can elucidate this hadīth with the hadīth in which the Prophet ﷺ said,

“When Allah wills good for His slave, He sweetens him.” [13]

He (ﷺ) was asked,

“What is this sweetening?” [13]

He (ﷺ) replied,

“Allah guides him to do righteous deeds before he dies, then He takes [his soul] whilst he is in that state.” [13]

To “exhort” your loved one to utter the Shahadah?

One of the most anticipated signs that all of us should look forward to, in order to obtain a good ending, is the ability to recite the Shahadah (testimony of faith) on our deathbed.

The Prophet ﷺ said,

“A person whose last words are ‘There is no-one worthy of worship except Allah’ will enter Paradise.” [14]

So, the Prophet ﷺ advised us to exhort the dying person to utter the Shahadah/words of faith so that their life will end with that and it will be the last words that they uttered.

He (ﷺ) said,

“Exhort your dying ones to say, ‘There is none worthy of worship except Allah.’” [15]

But what does it mean to “exhort”?

It’s either to tell someone (i.e. command them) or to repeat the words of Shahadah in their presence in the hope that they will remember and repeat it. What you do will depend on how your loved one will receive your command or prompt.

If a command is likely to annoy or anger them, then it’s best to do the latter. It should be noted that when exhorting your loved ones, you should be cautious not to annoy them.

When ‘Abdullah ibn al-Mubārak was dying, a man started prompting him to say the testimony of faith, and he did that a great deal.

He said to him,

“You are not doing something good. I fear that you will annoy a Muslim after me.

“When you prompted me, and if I said it [Shahadah] and then I did not say anything else after that, leave me alone. But if I said something else after that, then exhort me to say it again, so that it will be the last thing I say.” [16]

Supporting non-Muslim relatives in their final moments

Muslims are also encouraged to be present when their non-Muslim relatives are dying.

This is in order to present Islam to them, in the hope that they would accept Islam prior to their death.

If your relative is not Muslim, you have to call them to Islam and continue doing so, even if they are not fully conscious.

If they respond to you and utter the Shahadah — knowing that this makes them a Muslim — that will benefit them before Allah. It will make them enter into the fold of Islam, even if they die immediately after that, and without offering any act of worship.

Numerous signs of a good ending

One of the signs of a good death, is to die with sweat upon the forehead.

al-Buraydah ibn al-Husayb (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) said,

“I heard the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say,

‘The believer dies with sweat on his forehead.’” [17]

In addition, some of the other signs of a good end include:

Dying of a stomach disease;
Dying of a plague or pandemic;
Death by burning or tuberculosis;
Dying on the night or day of Friday;
Dying by being crushed or drowning;
Dying during pregnancy or childbirth;
Dying while doing any righteous deed such as praying, fasting, or performing Hajj.

And two more signs of a good end include dying while defending one’s religion, wealth, or life; and dying while protecting the borders of Islam for the sake of Allah.

Situation immediately after they die

When a person has breathed his or her last, the family and relatives should confirm with doctors as to whether they have truly died or are in a comatose state.

Once it has been confirmed, those around them, as well as those that immediately hear of their demise, should supplicate:

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

“Verily, to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return.” [18]

Extreme grief may hit you

The deceased’s loved ones may be stricken with extreme grief, as if they have been surrounded by it from all sides.

They should remember to utter only that which is pleasing to Allah, and He will reward them and soothe them.

Umm Salamah (radiy Allahu ‘anha) said, she heard the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say,

“There is no Muslim who is stricken with a calamity and says what Allah has enjoined:

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ اللَّهُمَّ أْجُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَتِي وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا

‘Verily, to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allah, reward me for my affliction and compensate me with something better.’

“…but that Allah will compensate him with something better.” [19]

She (radiy Allahu ‘anha) said,

“Who among the Muslims is better than Abu Salamah (radiy Allahu ‘anhu), the first household to migrate to join the Messenger of Allah ﷺ?

“Then I said it, and Allah compensated me with the Messenger of Allah.” [20]

Closing their eyes

The deceased’s eyes may be wide open and their gaze fixed after their death.

This is not something to worry about or derive any rulings or conclusions concerning their state of death, as in whether they had a good ending or bad.

It is the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ that he would close their eyelids after their death and supplicate for them while doing so.

Umm Salamah (radiy Allahu ‘anha) narrates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ went to see Abu Salamah (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) after he died. He found his eyes open.

He (ﷺ) closed them and said,

“When the soul is taken away, the sight follows it.” [21]

Then, he (ﷺ) supplicated,

اللهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِأَبِي سَلَمَةَ وَارْفَعْ دَرَجَتَهُ فِي الْمَهْدِيِّينَ، وَاخْلُفْهُ فِي عَقِبِهِ فِي الْغَابِرِينَ، وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلَهُ يَا رَبَّ الْعَالَمِينَ، وَافْسَحْ لَهُ فِي قَبْرِهِ، وَنَوِّرْ لَهُ فِيهِ

“O Allah! Forgive Abu Salamah [mention the name of the deceased here] and raise his rank among the rightly guided, and be a successor to whom he has left behind, and forgive us and him, O Lord of the worlds. Make spacious his grave and illuminate it for him.” [21]

Respectfully covering them with a cloth

It is from the Sunnah to cover the deceased with a piece of cloth as a way of showing respect and preserving their dignity, especially if the deceased is a woman.

The Prophet ﷺ was covered with a striped piece of Yemeni cloth when he passed away, as reported by ‘A’isha (radiy Allahu ‘anha). [22]

Since the angels are present during this time, it is an opportune time to immediately supplicate for the deceased, because they will say “Āmīn” to it.

Shaddād ibn Aws (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said,

“If you are present when someone has died, then close their eyes, for the sight follows the soul. And say good things, for the Angels say ‘Āmīn’ to what the family of the deceased says.” [20]

Bidding a final farewell at this time

Sometimes, family and loved ones will want to bid a final farewell to the deceased. This may manifest into holding and kissing their hands, and touching and kissing the face.

All of this is permitted, so long as it does not go to extremes or cause any harm to the deceased.

‘A’isha (radiy Allahu ‘anha) narrated that she saw the Prophet ﷺ kiss Uthmān ibn Maẓ’ūn (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) when he died, until she could see his tears wet his two cheeks. [23]

When the Prophet ﷺ died, Abu Bakr (radiy Allahu ‘anhu) went to his house, uncovered the Prophet’s face, bent over, kissed him, and wept. [24]

Crying and wailing

Sometimes, emotions can be raw and a person may not be in control over some of their feelings. It is hoped that such emotions are forgiven and pardoned by Allah.

However, there are other emotions and acts in which a person must remain in control of, for the sake of their Islamic wellbeing as well as that of the deceased.

It is permitted to cry and weep for our loved ones as proven above. However, it is not permitted that a person beat themselves, tear their clothes, or pull their hair.

The Prophet ﷺ said,

“He is not of us: the one who strikes the cheeks, tears the garments, and wails in the manner of Jāhiliyyah (pre-Islamic Days of Ignorance).” [25]

Likewise, sometimes a person will utter words that will be displeasing to Allah and may even take one outside the fold of Islam.

For example, questioning the Decree [Qadr] of Allah or cursing Allah, especially if the deceased was a young child or a spouse.

The Prophet ﷺ said,

“Allah does not punish for the tears that the eye sheds or the grief the heart feels, but He punishes for this [pointing to his tongue], or He may show mercy.” [26]

It is important that a person, during their lifetime, counsel their relatives on the correct behaviour and not encourage these disallowed practices.

We need to be wary of being the subject of the Prophet’s words when he (ﷺ) said,

“The deceased is tortured in his grave for the wailing done over him.” [27]

One step to take is to leave in your Will the instruction not to wail over your death.

Conclusion

To conclude, we have suggested some actions of compassion that you are encouraged to do for your loved ones as they approach their final moments of this life. It is also pertinent to mention that we should, ourselves, take heed from this experience.

Beyond attaining rewards through patience, thinking about death and its hardships should prompt us to repent, turn back to Allah, and do righteous deeds. For if a person fears Allah and sincerely does good, Allah will make all difficulties easy for them, and relieve them of every distress and hardship.

We ask Allah through His Beautiful Names to open the gates of Mercy and Forgiveness upon all those that have died while believing in Him.

May Allah shower them with His gentleness, care, love, and be the most forbearing in regard to their sins and shortcomings.

May Allah embrace and encompass them with His pardon and be their Helper and Protector in the grave and on the Day when we shall all stand before Him.

Action points

Ask Allah for patience and strength during this especially difficult time, He is the One who can provide the best support.
Support your loved one by maintaining hope and compassion, do not let go in haste.
Remind them of Allah’s infinite mercy, and gently encourage them to recite the Shahadah.