In the UK and internationally we are seeing a trend that is attacking the rights of the child and preventing them from experiencing their right to be cared for, loved, educated and protected by both of their parents.
Psychology now tells us that as soon as a husband and wife become parents both will equally experience physical changes.[1] It is no less a change for men than it is for women; it switches on areas in the brain that develop to nurture and protect, which can never be reversed.[2]
For a parent, everything they are physically, emotionally and mentally connects to their child and becomes the centre of their existence. For the child, the changes are exactly what they need to enable positive growth and development.
What we are now seeing is parents who are letting go of their responsibility to the rights of their child and instead of honouring the truth in Islam they are choosing to coercively deny their child’s right to know the other parent and their extended family.
There are many reasons for this, the two most dominant are the breakdown of relationships, and where a parent accesses community services and allows themselves to become part of a web of lies and destruction in attempting to satisfy their aims.[3]
We all have a responsibility to prevent the abuse of children, there is no justification in this world for harm to be directed at any human being and this must be stopped, but where we don’t honour the truth, we not only harm our children, but we also harm ourselves.
In Islam the rights of the child are wrapped up in our very existence, in our dreams as children to adulthood. In reality, once they are gifted to us and when we leave this world, they are our only consistent source of du’ā and good deeds in our graves.
It is reported that Al-Aqra’ ibn Habis saw Allah’s Messenger ﷺ kissing his grandchild and said to the Prophet, “I have 10 children, but I’ve never kissed one of them”. The Prophet ﷺ said, “He who does not show mercy towards his children, no mercy would be shown to him.”[4]
Alienation in Ramadan
For the child being forced apart in Ramadan can create a time when their heart and mind struggles even more. When a parent experiences what can be a brutal disconnection in their ability to give their child everything Allah charged them to give, the loss—whether you are a mother or a father—is devastating.
A child’s validation of who they are begins in their relationship with their mother and father. Their identities are born from the knowledge and understanding that they are valued within their relationship with both parents.
At a very young age they are nurtured by the rules in the relationships that surround them. They are sensitive, intuitive, and very early on they will identify the nuances of joy, love, anger, and hate, and in all of these they will seek to understand.
They will look for where they fit within these emotions, and because it is programmed within us to care at a very young age children will mistakenly take responsibility.
What has been broken can be mended
Amy J. L. Baker Ph.D, a recognised specialist in parental alienation, tells us that from well-documented research and evidence there are 17 primal, parent alienation strategies.[5] This means that there are systems in place from one parent to another, through the child, that are designed to break down the connection and create a belief that an alienated parent doesn’t care or want to be there.
When children are reunited with parents, in part they need to be deprogrammed from what has been shown to them as a truth and the easiest way to start doing that is to debunk the narrative of the alienating parent.
It doesn’t matter how long the alienated parent, child and extended family are apart; what helps is to show them an alternative truth and evidence. This gives them the opportunity to strip away the pain and loss they experienced from not having the alienated parent in their lives.
It is important to understand that this is not about attacking or blaming the alienating parent or family. It is about showing the child that they have remained very much included in the hearts and minds of the alienated parent and their extended family.
One of the best ways to do this is to create memories by proxy that they can become involved in when reconnected. Here are some suggestions.
- At least once a month create a positive, three-minute video. It doesn’t have to be perfect. On each video you say the day, time and why today was a good day to share. Store the videos in a safe place, such as in cloud space or storage drives.
- On special occasions buy an age-appropriate gift. Don’t worry that they may grow out of it, you’re creating history to share when the time is right.
- Whatever is in you to give to them; a special hadith, something connected to your history, theirs, or their extended family.
Alhamdullillāh, many families eventually work through their differences and find a way of co-parenting, respecting their child’s rights.
Creating memories for children by proxy can help to strip away the harm that is done to them where parental alienation is being placed upon their shoulders. It can help to create a space of catch-up, communication and a new beginning in the building of a relationship.
They have a right to love without worry or concern that this love will cause either parent pain.
This situation of separation works when each parent understands that their child was created through them both and as a consequence of this, their child has a right to equal access to both parents. They have a right to love without worry or concern that this love will cause either parent pain.
The simple fact is a parent doesn’t own a child, they are not a commodity or something that can be traded or bartered with, under any circumstances. They are from Allah and at some point, in the parent’s life cycle, each parent will be held accountable for their children’s rights.
Allah’s Messenger ﷺ asked thrice, “Where is the small (child)?” Then he said, “Call Al-Hasan bin `Ali (his grandson).” So Al-Hasan bin `Ali got up and started walking with a necklace (of beads) around his neck. The Prophet stretched his hand out like this, and Al-Hasan did the same. The Prophet embraced him and said, “0 Allah! l love him, so please love him and love those who love him.”[6]
Bukhari
Remember alienated parents and children this Ramadan
Source: Islam21c
Notes:
[1] https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/neuroscience-of-fatherhood/
[2] https://www.familylaw.co.uk/news_and_comment/court-orders-change-in-living-arrangements-for-a-child-following-parental-alienation
[3] https://alivecounselling.com/motherhood/secure-attachment-the-5-conditions-needed-in-childhood/
[4] Bukhari
[5] Amy J.L Baker Ph.D
Academic, documented research tell us there are 17 primal, parent alienation strategies.
https://www.amyjlbaker.com/parental-alienation-syndrome.html
[6] Bukhari
Great article, but can we be a bit more nuanced and call it out for what it is? – it’s the MAJORITY of sisters that withhold access the children from their fathers, alienate the children, extort their ex husbands financially, abuse them emotionally through this journey.
Why can’t we as a community just be open and honest?
Why are sisters who are oppressing so openly protected?
Good article – and i’m glad that this issue is getting more coverage in the community. So many children are being deprived of contact with their fathers and extended families.
Jazakhallah Khayr for highlighting this issue which it seems has become an epidemic in the UK. Islam has clear solutions to these issues but we hardly hear a peep from our religious establishment on this issue relative to its gravity and magnitude. If our religious establishment exist only to give women express khulas (highly dubious ones) rather than ensuring all shari rights are adhered to for both men and women when a marriage has issues, then we will loose out families in the west quicker than anyone thinks is imaginable. Respect to Islam21c to highlight this issue. I pray you also one day soon cover the phenomenon of seemingly religious sisters refusing to adhere to Islamic Qaddaa’ on the issue of child custody and taking the husband’s wealth on divorce and the irresponsible “people of knowledge” who justify this for them using ridiculous arguments like “obeying the law of the land”. The very same law which allows us to have our family disputes settled via mutually agreed arbitration. It’s a start. Thanks.
Alienating behaviors are real and are a disease in society and not restricted to a certain race or gender. However, in most cases, it is perpetrated by resident parents of which most are mothers. This is a serious issue leading to breaking ties of kinship which is a grave sin in Islam.
Great idea to make a diary for your child in the future. Its a disgrace how feminism has infected even our imams to placate to women and barely anyone is calling this out. Kudos to Islam21c for doing something.
Almost lost my son to in laws who suddenly decided they just wont let me see my son ever. Saw first hand how everyone from goverment agencies presuming women are in the right always and even an imam whose biggest concern was not the kidnapping but the lack of a legal marriage. Imams for the church of england I say !
Assalamualaikum to all the readers of the article…
I have been through a divorce with one child (daughter) involved. Unfortunately, my daughter has been alienated against me for no just reason. We had a very strong bond with one another. There’s no justification of turning the child/ren against the other parent.
The mental trauma that this has had on me is very bad.
The issue with Parental Alienation needs to be addressed in our Masjids.
Both Mothers, and Fathers are actively doing it, and must be condemned by the imams in our Masjids through speeches.
They need to be told what they are doing is un-Islamic, and they will be held accountable in this world, and in the hereafter.
Every Ramadhan there are thousands of fathers doing iftar alone because they have been denied access to their children.
The use of false allegations and the cherry picking of sharia and law of the land to extort the wealth of Muslim men by Muslim women is rife in the ummah and as always the Islamic establishments are silent to speak out because they fear backlash from the Muslima community!
This abhorrent behaviour needs to be called out and the ummah needs to make a stand against it.
Well done to Islam21c for writing this article and for the work of raising awareness.