In light of the home secretary Teresa May’s launch of the new Prevent strategy, it is important that as Muslim we understand and abide by the following instruction:
1. As a Muslim you are, unless otherwise proven, vulnerable to radicalisation or blowing up a bus, a plane, or possibly both. You would therefore benefit from intervention as part of a prevention strategy.
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2. Please note that “the ideology of extremism and terrorism is the problem; legitimate religious belief is not.”
a. For instruction as to what constitutes ‘legitimate religious belief’ please contact the Home Office for your copy of ‘The Handbook of Emphatically Legitimate Beliefs for Muslims.’ If it is not available (as it isn’t) please request for a list to be drawn up by Ms May or by the clerk you speak to.
b. Ensure your imam is aware of all ‘legitimate beliefs’ as only these can be preached in sermons or taught in prayer groups and mosques. Otherwise he will be deemed an ideologue with the congregation at risk of radicalisation and becoming suicide bombers.
c. Use this list in sermons and in place of any other religious text, as any set of beliefs not sanctioned by the Home Office will be classed an ideology, you will be considered an ideologue, and you may stand to lose your job.
d. If in doubt, please take any/all Islamic texts to your local Tory MP – do not hold any beliefs without first ascertaining their legitimacy with either Theresa May, David Cameron, or the Home Office. Alternatively, you may contact Quilliam directly.
3. As a Muslim, any public pronouncement you make need only be a condemnation of terrorism and an expression of regret for its occurrence – the perpetrators need not be Muslim (whilst at it, please also apologise for the Tamil tigers as owing to the recession the government hasn’t got the funds to set up ‘Prevent-Tamil’). Beyond this, no one is interested in your opinion or what you have to say, so you are not required to comment on much else. If you must, the weather is deemed the only appropriate topic.
4. British foreign policy is always right and terribly just. Although others have a right to debate and criticise foreign policy, as a Muslim you should ‘know’ that Britain has never committed foreign policy injustices, rather it is your false sense of grievance based on falsehood that makes you think this. You should be aware that any seditious material that may lead you to believe otherwise – such as history textbooks, old newspaper articles, etc may be held against you, and you stand the risk of being branded an ideologue. Reading books leads to an ideology which feeds into non-violent extremism that consequently leads to violent extremism that then leads to…
5. Please be aware that there is nothing wrong with British society so you are advised not try to do anything to change it. Whilst Britain prides itself on equal rights for all, with everyone, such as the leftists, socialists, neo-cons, Jews, gays, EDL, tories etc having the right to try to progress society by writing, lobbying, lecturing, and organising themselves so as to bring change to British society in ways that they would like to see Britain, the message to Muslims is that if you do not like it here then get lost.
6. The government would like to reiterate its “belief in human rights, democracy and the rule of law.” The prevent strategy requires you to believe in democracy and liberal values – you are defined by your beliefs, and the Home Office has taken on the duty of informing Muslims what their set of beliefs should be.
7. Whilst there are many books in circulation in mosques and Muslim homes with titles such as Islamic Belief, What a Muslim should believe, and The Islamic Creed (not to mention Korans!), you are best advised to take these to the Home Office which it is hoped will allow an Islamic texts amnesty where you can turn in all these texts and no questions will be asked. It is hoped that you will then be provided with textbooks on Islamic beliefs according to her majesty’s Home Office.
8. Please do not speak in Urdu, Arabic, Pashto or any other obscure language on university campuses, in mosques, in your homes, in cafes and bookstores, or in any other location as it makes surveillance that much more harder for those listening in.
9. You must see it as a privilege that as a Muslim you have been singled out by the government who has, at a cost of 30 million pounds of taxpayers’ money, sought to instruct you in what to believe, how to believe it, and how to be a moderate. This privilege is not granted to Sikhs, Hindus Jews, Rastafarians, or Christians who may believe as they wish with no restraints. These strategies are for your own good and that of society since in being a Muslim, and in the absence of such instructions, you may blow yourself up in a public space.
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Notes:
Sources: www.islam21c.com
The views are that of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of Islam21c.
24 Comments
I’m glad you think terrorism is a joke
The reason Muslims are singled out is becuase they are the ones that blow people up, or hadn’t you noticed?
Muslims are guided by an archaic book that’s riddled with more passages of hatred than Hitler’s Mein Kamf
Not all Germans were guided by Mein Kamf, but … guess what ? …yes that’s right, all Muslims are guided by the Quran.
Islam thrives on liberalism
liberalism is to Islam what damp is to mould.
Liberalism enables Islam to creep towards Sharia.
Islam runs completely counter to liberty, tolerance & western values
Eventually wherever it is, Islam eventally destroys the very liberty & freedom that permits it to grow.
Wherever there is Islam there is trouble
Almost every trouble spot in the world currently is down to lslam & the teachings of the Quran
In the end India had to be partitioned into India & Pakistan because the Muslims wouldn’t live in peace with other religions
Islam an introduced religion spreads like alien introduced species such as the grey squarrel, or Japanes bind weed or feral ring necked parakeets which do so at the expense of indigenous species.
Quarter of British Muslims sympathise with Charlie Hebdo terrorists.
That’s about one million & doubling in number every 10 years !
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/11433776/Quarter-of-British-Muslims-sympathise-with-Charlie-Hebdo-terrorists.html
21.3% of British Muslims have never worked as opposed to 4.3% of non Muslims
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/immigration/11409181/British-Muslims-integration-and-segregation-are-about-economics-not-values.html
We have a problem with you Mulsims. A big big problem that’s getting worse & worse and it’s completely unstoppable as long as there are liberals.
Why don’t you go live in as Muslim country
We don’t need your medieval tribalism here
Ha Ha Ha…what an ungrateful little descendant of savages and animals you are. If the Muslims hadn’t brought your ancestors out of their mud huts and given them language, literature, medicine, philosophy and science then you would still be flinging s**t at each other…oh wait, not much has changed I suppose.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Islam-Created-Modern-World/dp/1590080432
Anyway I’m sure those Muslims are regretting civilising your barbarian ancestors, since they went on to f*** up the entire world, spreading their ignorant apocalyptic, nihilistic worldviews, raping and pillaging half of the known world, colonising and exterminating the indigenous populations of nearly 3 entire continents…
And their ignorant, illiterate descendants (you) go around calling their civilisers savages. You couldn’t make up such an unfortunately ironic joke…
Social engineering
No different perhaps to the anti-Jew strategy of the Nazis?
Oh dear (!)
Brilliantly put! Well done brother.
I
A fantastic khutba by Abu Zahra on the PREVENT subject. I wish more khutbas were like this in our mosques:
http://www.iculture.org.uk/audio/khutbah-how-should-muslims-respond-to-the-prevent-strategy
Can we add this khutba on the 21c website so all can Benifit?
>:(
Bismillah, jazakallahkairan for this piece of advice. May Allah help all muslims to be firm in their belief, following Qur’an and Sunnat and put their trust in Allah, and fear Him only. Patience is another quality to enter Jannat(paradise), do good and forbid evil, respect each other and help each other in doing good. Follow the good example of prophet Muhammad(peace be upon him).We are here for a test and inshah Allah we will be among the successful ones on the day of judgement.We will know then who was right and who was wrong!
Excellent
JazakAllah khair akhi, Excellent style to get the point across. For those in the know, it has its humour, for those that don’t:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/jun/06/universities-attacked-over-islamic-extremism
Notice the line: ‘It’s a result of a close look at the values of the organisations themselves…’
They are now telling us what we should stop believing in and become liberal.
More or less what the kuffar want!
That’s what the kuffar want, we may have a laugh and a giggle but it’s a serious matter. Our brothers and sisters are being targeted old and young!
If you say I don’t listen to music, you are an extremist, I don’t shake the hand of the opposite sex, you are extremist, I don’t free mix, you are radicalised. The list is endless, brothers and sisters you ARE NOT extreme or radical, you are following the SUNNAH set by the best of examples, Muhammad (saws).
The kuffar say they want to bring Islam form the “dark ages” to the “light”?! Our old, extreme, radical, medieval, ways are barbaric, for this new modern day and age. They invent ridiculous labels such as “Moderate Muslims” etc. They want us to join them in their haram ways! Muslims MUST stick to the QURAN and SUNNAH 100%. No picking and choosing brothers and sisters. Who are we to say what we follow and not follow from the sunnah of Muhammad (saws). Everything Muhammad (saws) did and said (the sunnah) is from Allah (swt). We are not better than Muhammad (saws), we have no choice but to follow his sunnah if we are to be truly successful, inshallah!
ISOLATORY PHENOMENON
THE CONCEPT OF ONE WORLD ONE PEOPLE BEING DEMOLISHED BY SUCH STATEMENTS I BELIEVE.
nice one
upto the point
49:11
“Ya-ayyuhal-ladhina aamanu – laa yaskhar qawmum-min qawmin…”
49:11
“Ya-ayyuhal-ladhina aamanu – laa yaskhar qawmum-min qawmin…”
lol
this is too funny;D
Alarming to see that some people can’t tell if this is satire or not – rather plays into the government’s hands, does it not? And there is no mention of ‘Sikhs, Hindus, Jews, Rastafarians or Christians’ because there is no evidence that there are rogue elements within these faiths (at least not in the UK) who seek to advance their cause through mass murder.
Nice
Of course it’s satire but I’d still check with Theresa May just in case.
Nice piece
excellent
Excellent satirical take on the subject
there is also this article which is on the prevent agenda as well:
Prevent: Welcome to Totalitarian Britain http://bit.ly/kCo0zN
ws
Asalamualaikum wa rahmatuallah wa barakatuhu
Bismillah. This is classic, man… So refreshing to read! Muslims, everywhere, you are upon the haqq! There is nothing to fear but Allah, and the soon to come day that will be fifty thousand years long. May Allah protect us from the oppression of other people. Allah give us the ability to be steadfast, and build for a future towards the inevitable victory of al-Islam!
To the writer of this piece, masha’Allah! Reading this really boosted my emaan – jzk! May Allah reward you for your keen wit, ability and insight.
Does anyone else think it is a co-incidence that of all the religions (and heretical sects) in the world, it is Muslims upon ahl-Sunnah wa al-Jam’aah that are singled out? If you do, then re-consider! It is calculated. Forget not that Shaytan is a manifest enemy to you, he is an experienced hater of Muslims. So take him as your enemy and beware his traps – He wants to take you to Hellfire. Don’t let him persuade you… Find good brothers (if you’re a brother) and (likewise) sisters, establish the salat and pay your zakat… Read Qur’aan and may Allah guide us all upon the way that is straight. Ameen.
Definitely Satire
Surprising that some couldn’t work out the point behind this article, however, perhaps it should be made clear for them to avoid confusion (e.g. a disclaimer at the end)
not funny
what a sad piece of writing. no place in Islam for this sentiment. sorry brother. ma’assalama.
Very nice!
Good article, sometimes you need to laugh at the fools who hate you.
its a joke, the way we are being spoken of and treated is a joke. May Allah bring Izzah to our ummah
cool
Very good.
Good style to make the point.
Mrs
Is this for real???? Seriously!!!
Satirical?
assalamu alaikum,
was this satire?